“Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!” “Pull yourself together.”
Doctor, Doctor! The Classic Complaints
Same beloved format as the waiter jokes — the patient walks in with an impossible complaint, and the doctor prescribes a pun. Two lines, one turn, no co-pay.
The doctor exchange is the waiter joke with a stethoscope, and it spread for the same reason: a two-person format with a fixed opening line that any child can memorise. British comics popularised the form on radio and in playground rhyme books, where the impossible complaint made the joke a small piece of surrealism disguised as a medical appointment.
The mechanism is diagnosis by pun. The patient states a metaphor as literal fact, and the doctor treats it professionally, which is far funnier than treating it as nonsense. The comedy comes from institutional calm meeting an absurd premise without blinking. These are ideal for children, for waiting rooms, and for any conversation that has become slightly too serious about health.
“Doctor, I feel like a deck of cards!” “I'll deal with you later.”
“Doctor, I've broken my arm in two places!” “Then stop going to those places.”
“Doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible!” “Who said that?”
“Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me!” “Next, please.”
“Doctor, I feel like a bell!” “Take these pills — and if they don't work, give me a ring.”
“Doctor, I feel like a bridge!” “What's come over you?” “So far, two cars and a truck.”
“Doctor, I can't stop stealing things!” “Take these pills for a week — and if that doesn't work, bring me a television.”
“Doctor, I think I'm a moth.” “You don't need a doctor — you need a psychiatrist.” “I know. I was on my way there, but your light was on.”
“Doctor, I feel like a dog!” “Sit.”
“Doctor, I feel like a kettle.” “Don't get worked up.”
“Doctor, I feel like a calendar.” “Your days are numbered.”
“Doctor, I feel like a spoon.” “Sit still and don't stir.”
“Doctor, I feel like a phone.” “Then stop calling at midnight.”
“Doctor, I feel like a lift.” “You need to come down a level.”
“Doctor, I feel like a lamp.” “Try switching off in the evenings.”
“Doctor, I feel like a map.” “Well, you have folded twice already.”
“Doctor, I feel like a fence.” “Stop sitting on things.”
“Doctor, I feel like a suitcase.” “You're clearly carrying too much.”
“Doctor, I feel like a printer.” “Jam again? Take a week off paper.”
“Doctor, I only feel unwell in waiting rooms.” “Then the treatment is working and the building is the problem.”
“Doctor, the internet says I have something rare.” “The internet says that about everyone. It's the internet that's ill.”
“Doctor, I feel fine.” “Wonderful. Let's run some tests until that changes.”
“Doctor, how long will I be on these?” “Until the label runs out of confidence.”
“Doctor, I forgot why I came in.” “That's on the form, and so is the reason you forgot.”
26. The Doctor’s Advice
A patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." The doctor says, "Then don’t do that."
27. The Bad News
The doctor says, "I have bad news and worse news." "What’s the bad news?" "You have 24 hours to live." "What could possibly be worse?" "I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday."
28. Memory Problems
A man tells his doctor, "I’m worried about my memory." "How long has this been happening?" "How long has what been happening?"
29. The Psychiatrist
A patient says, "Doctor, everyone ignores me." The psychiatrist says, "Next!"
How to tell these
Two voices, one register apart. The patient is anxious and quick; the doctor is bored and slow. Never rush the doctor's line — the delay is what suggests a professional considering a genuine treatment plan.
Resist adding a third line. Once the doctor speaks, the appointment is over, and any extra sentence turns a joke into a sketch. If you tell several in a row, vary the complaint wildly so the audience cannot guess the shape of the next one.
These are the easiest jokes to hand to a child, so hand them over. Teach one, let them tell it back, then be the doctor while they play the patient. The format is short enough to memorise on the first hearing, which is why it has outlived nearly every joke fashion of the last century.
If you want to extend a set, group the complaints by theme — household objects, then furniture, then technology — so the audience feels a pattern forming before you break it with the strangest one you have.
More joke types